A Few Choice Words: Girls lie more than guys, period

Disclaimer: Of course, this doesn't apply to everyone. That doesn't really help my argument, though, does it?

If life were a game of football, girls would be the New England Patriots. Girls are the Patriots because they lie and cheat their way through life in the same way that the Patriots spied and conned their way through the playoffs, and to three Super Bowl victories. Like the Pats, women manipulate the system, and operate outside the law. And like the Pats, they're good at it.

No, I'm not sitting here talking to you about how girls embellish and often even fabricate emotions in order to get their own way. First of all, that's too obvious. And second - guys do the same thing. The crime that girls commit is false advertising.

Women are liars, not because of what they say, but because of what they do. They lie about their age so ridiculously that women these days seem to be dying of natural causes at age 29. Girls pile on so much makeup just to leave the room that it seems like every day is Mardi Gras. Pumps raise women's calves off their ankles, and pushup bras do the same up top. Women don garters and thick belts to tame those love handles, slowly strangling themselves until they once again get to the safety of their bedrooms. And finally, girls rock the big, bug-eyed sunglasses/ski goggles that adequately cover their faces from hairline to chin. Girls are illusionists; everything females do from the time they wake up to the time they go to sleep is geared toward misdirecting the opposite sex (and usually the same sex, as well, to elude the cannibalistic mob mentality of women). It's a farce, because men are attracted to women who, in effect, are not real, who don't actually have platinum blond hair or rosy cheeks or clear skin or a 24-inch waist.

Here's the truth of the matter. Women don't want to be viewed as objects, even though women objectify themselves. Forget chivalry; take that for a double standard. You complain every day that guys are shallow and horrible people who only care about hooking up instead of getting to know you as a person, but you don't let us. How many times have you spent an hour or more getting ready to go to a fifty-minute class? How many times have you been interested in a guy and pretended to be drunker or dumber than you actually are to get his attention, or so that he feels more comfortable speaking to you, or any other pathetic reason that seems sensible at the time? You can't expect a man to respect you when you don't respect yourself enough to show your true self.

On a lighter, more selfish note, it's also confusing as hell for the guys. Do girls understand how hard it is to keep track of them when they can change their hair or complexion or entire body appearance at will? Guys generally aren't the sharpest tools in the shed; I see long blond hair, blue eyes, medium-sized body, and I react with a "Hi, [insert name of about 37% of the girls on campus]." When girls decide to dye their hair and strap on the goggles, men literally cannot keep track of the girls they know and those they don't. What women consider rudeness or arrogance is probably just ignorance.

It's also absurdly confusing when you sleep over with a girl, maybe after a drunken night, and wake up in the morning in an alien room with strange posters and a girly smelling blanket. And then you look to your left, and there's someone there who looks completely different than the person you went to bed with! All the makeup's worn off over the course of the night, and you find yourself trying to awkwardly reintroduce yourself to a person whom, in actuality, you've been going out with for two months.

The biggest lie, though, women tell themselves. How many of you dream of being trophy wives, coasting through life on your beauty on the coattails of some doctor, lawyer, drug kingpin, or any other men who have used their mind to get ahead in life? Many girls don't want to rely on their intelligence or personality, or worse, feel that it's inadequate. As a result, girls hide from life behind makeup and plastic surgery and Botox like life-sized Barbies, afraid to fail or succeed on their own. And that, ladies, is the worst crime of all.