Point:
Tribute to That's What She Said
How do I know if my girlfriend is faking it?
My first instinct is to answer, does it really matter? Last time I checked if the audience applauds it doesn't matter if it's a live audience or a sitcom clap track. But since I do "care" about the write-in questions we get I suppose I'll give this one the old two-pump chump college try. First step is to focus on your lady. Now I know all those sea breezes and wine coolers are clouding your senses, but try to at least get a good look at her for two reasons.
The first is to make sure it is once again your girlfriend, the second is to see how she reacts to your initiatives. The next step is lighting. Now I can already heari you belly-aching "But Xavier I gotta turn my lights off if I'm gonna turn my Betsy Beatface into Halle Berry." Well bro, you asked the question, I didn't promise you'd like the answer. So now that the lights are on, the roommate is asleep, and 98 Degrees is serenading your interlocking bodies, its time for some real detective work Dick Tracey. If she moans, that's good. We don't need a Whitney Houston soundtrack here people, less is more. If she closes her eyes and/or bites her lip that's good. Nails down your back is a good sign, now easy there Mr. S&M no need for her to go all dungeon master, a little nail can go a long way. If you break the surface you're performing on; such as a bed, table, trampoline, car hood, or salad bar, then you're getting it. If she uses a foreign language, "ay papi", "ay dios mios", or a phrase like "sweet sassy molassy" then I'd say your forging your way to O-Town. And finally if you receive a slow clap from neighbors, passersby, or friends in the other room, you may be at hitting your personal potential. Pitfalls to watch for: if she is filing her nails, texting, yawning, or critiquing outfits on Project Runway, you may be moving towards flaccid failure.
Also rating yourself is important. We all can't be Peter Norths working our way to the top of pleasure peak, week in and week out. So it's important to know how good you are. That way you know when a girl is blowing smoke, so to speak. Phrases like "yeah, that was good" or "no no, I wanted to take a nap anyway" are bad news for you Bucking Bronco. The bottom line is that a man's final sexual goal is as simple as a light switch, while a woman's resembles a Rubik's cube. So if you want to treat her right, I suggest you try to double your best time or -- if that fails -- "talk" to her about it, but I would caution you that the latter might significantly impact the possibilities for a rematch.
Counterpoint:
Tribute to Thumbs
Thumbs Up
Topic-ulation
Except for the prevalence of starvation, homelessness, sexism, racism, and that stupid John Mellencamp song from the Chevy commercials there is nothing more pressing that we could talk about than our personal sexuality. We here at Thumbs Up Our Asses only choose the best topics to talk about.
Care for the Lay-tays
There's nothing like treating your woman right and you may have hit the nail on the head with the best way to do that. Since I only ever look out for #1, I respect where you're coming from.
Emotional Disappointment
Here's the plan: I'm going to lead you on with a catchy, punny title and let you think that what I'm about to say is relevant and witty. But sadly all you'll be left with is an empty feeling of loneliness and frustration at the end of this short paragraph.
Thumbs Down
Simpleton's Simplicity
Generally speaking your verbal selection obnoxiously allows for the common practices of English grammar and spelling to remain prevalent in your prescient prose. We here at Thumbs Up Our Asses are decidedly not fanatically inclined to support such logical structure and acceptable style.
Death of a Stewie
This would be one of those instances where I decide to diverge from what we're talking about and add some self-important drivel: the two-part Family Guy episode sucked.
Me, Myself, and I
Where the hell is Gretchen McGillicuddy in the middle of your meaningless rant? This is insulting. The only reason why I put up with you is to see my name in print every week. That's the only reason why Thumbs exists! This is stupid...
Be the first to comment on this article!