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Classes Are Over
Out of celebration of the warm weather, Loyola is cancelling all classes! With all the professors giving automatic A's, we can all catch up on sun and laying on the quad. Take the next months to relax free, Loyola, because with this much free time, we won't know what to do. Go to the beach, eat absurd amounts of food, and do whatever you want for the next two months. Who cares? There aren't any classes! Who needs to learn in college?
Monster Hybrid
Science has come through again for us! They were able to successfully splice the genes of an octupus, a racoon, and a human. This man now has dark circle eyes with a hunger for city grabage and 8 tentacles. Although peaceful in nature, Bob (the hybrid's official name) has been known to shirk away attention. Currently developing a Discovery Channel Health special and negotiating a guest appearance on John and Kate plus 8 as an alternate way to transport the children, Bob seems to have a bright future ahead of him. Rock on Bob and stay out of my trash.
Going Green With Huge Budget Cut
So in order to cut spending and go green at the same time, the govenment is placing a new ban on electricity in 2011. With pesky electricity out of the way, the environment will no long face any type of pollution. In addition, cutting all this electric, the govenment's spending will plummet and everything will be nice and cheap. With horse-drawn carts making a comeback anyway, the transition seems obvious. Rejoice Amish, you've won the culture war! Such a simple obvious answer to a huge problem.
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Zombie Invasion
We've just recieved notification from the Zombie Bureau of Invesitagion (ZBI) that zombies are beginning to crawl underground and are preparing for their attack from the underworld. This is a critical moment for us as a human race. They have begun the invasion. Arm yourself with the nearest bat, mace, rake, crossbow, bazooka, or small child and remember, when they emerge, always go for the head. Find a friend and prepare for the attack!
Fajita Madness
Salsa Rico has gone insane with their fajita madness. I was walking by the other day and they were shooting fajitas from a double-barrel shotgun. Although it was strangely satisfying when I got hit in the face with a zesty cheese, steak, and sour cream combo, I can't see how this is safe or not a health hazard. But as the fajita madness has taken over, who am I to judge? Unless you absolutely hate fajitas, sprint by (with a mouthguard) to get a faceful of delicious.
Fake Holidays
With the ridiculous amounts of fake holidays Americans celebrate to stave off age and boredom, we have seen quite a few lately. With St. Augustine's Day where we all go to a Barnes 'N' Nobles and read all night to March Sanity, where we all refrain to laugh through a vow of silence, America thrives on obscure holidays to mess with lives. Who would be so horrendous to take part in these holidays that mess with the general populations' thoughts? Who would try to hoodwink their reader's with ridiculous and absurd statements? Enjoy yourselves on these obsure holidays, for they keep us young.
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