2008 Woodie Awards
Thumbs Up Thumbs Down
G.M.Bluth and Maeby Funke
Issue date: 4/29/08 Section: Opinion
Thumbs Up
Matt Nathanson
We love and want to bear your progeny. Together we'll take over the world in one fell swoop of harmony and wit. You're incendiary. Incendiary.
Sanctimonious Platitudes
And so it begins: The speeches, the back slaps, the congratulations. We'll all be sick of parroting our plans for the future in 0.3 seconds. Be patient with the well-wishers, though, and pay attention to the advice of those who have already done this; we're all old enough to realize that most good advice proves to be true a few years down the road.
I Guess This is Growing Up
Remember all those years back when you thought about who you'd be, what you'd do and where you'd be? The answer to the third one for we upperclassmen is soon to be "not at Loyola." We can't say much about question two. You've done classes, masses, hook ups, break ups, all-nighters, early mornings, basketball games, service, concerts, barbecues, tough questions, simple answers, dance parties, hangovers, epiphanies and more. And to that first question -- you're still a work in progress but as things stand, we're glad to have met you.
Thumbs Down
The Sins of the Father…
Class of '08, we're about to inherit quite a mess: Global Warming; A scheisty economy; An unfinished war; Four-dollar gas; Violence; Rape; Homophobia; Cancer; AIDS; Racism; Sexism; Classism; A lot of other unsavory isms; Endangered Species; Human Rights Violations; High School Musical 1-4; Child Abuse. We've certainly got some challenges ahead of us. But that's what we're here for. Note: To aide in our endeavors, each graduating senior will be issued a cape, tights and a superpower along with hir diploma. Another Note: "Hir" is the gender-neutral pronoun -- use it, because "his or her" sounds ridiculous. Look at us changing the world through education already.
Here's the deal…
Please stop asking us what we're doing next year. We'll tell everyone right now: Flaking out for a year or two, before finally getting our ass in gear. Then we'll take another year off just to be sure. Once we're sure, we'll get a terrible job and wander around Eastern Europe for a few months, going from brothel to brothel, just to make a few extra bucks. Then, finally, we'll take all of our saved-up brothel money and then finally go to the grad school of our dreams: Oral Roberts University. Tale as old as time.
I Guess This is Growing Up
In College -- If you're drunk on Tuesday, you're super fun and carefree. In the Real World -- You're an alcoholic. In College -- You're covered under your parents' insurance. In the Real World -- You have to find a job with benefits so lay off the chocolate and soda, genius. In College -- LoPo slaps you on the wrist if you do something extra stupid. In the Real World -- You get arrested and have to call your mom to pick you up from jail. In College -- If you slack on your work you get to celebrate the "C." In the Real World -- You get fired and have to find a new job in the afore-Thumbed crappy economy (a.k.a. Bush's Backwash). In College -- You get to live in 'dorms like palaces.' In the Real World -- You get to spend a lot of time in a cheery cubicle courtesy of your two-hundred grand education. In College -- You're the Big Man On Campus. In the Real World -- You're a freshman all over again.
Matt Nathanson
We love and want to bear your progeny. Together we'll take over the world in one fell swoop of harmony and wit. You're incendiary. Incendiary.
Sanctimonious Platitudes
And so it begins: The speeches, the back slaps, the congratulations. We'll all be sick of parroting our plans for the future in 0.3 seconds. Be patient with the well-wishers, though, and pay attention to the advice of those who have already done this; we're all old enough to realize that most good advice proves to be true a few years down the road.
I Guess This is Growing Up
Remember all those years back when you thought about who you'd be, what you'd do and where you'd be? The answer to the third one for we upperclassmen is soon to be "not at Loyola." We can't say much about question two. You've done classes, masses, hook ups, break ups, all-nighters, early mornings, basketball games, service, concerts, barbecues, tough questions, simple answers, dance parties, hangovers, epiphanies and more. And to that first question -- you're still a work in progress but as things stand, we're glad to have met you.
Thumbs Down
The Sins of the Father…
Class of '08, we're about to inherit quite a mess: Global Warming; A scheisty economy; An unfinished war; Four-dollar gas; Violence; Rape; Homophobia; Cancer; AIDS; Racism; Sexism; Classism; A lot of other unsavory isms; Endangered Species; Human Rights Violations; High School Musical 1-4; Child Abuse. We've certainly got some challenges ahead of us. But that's what we're here for. Note: To aide in our endeavors, each graduating senior will be issued a cape, tights and a superpower along with hir diploma. Another Note: "Hir" is the gender-neutral pronoun -- use it, because "his or her" sounds ridiculous. Look at us changing the world through education already.
Here's the deal…
Please stop asking us what we're doing next year. We'll tell everyone right now: Flaking out for a year or two, before finally getting our ass in gear. Then we'll take another year off just to be sure. Once we're sure, we'll get a terrible job and wander around Eastern Europe for a few months, going from brothel to brothel, just to make a few extra bucks. Then, finally, we'll take all of our saved-up brothel money and then finally go to the grad school of our dreams: Oral Roberts University. Tale as old as time.
I Guess This is Growing Up
In College -- If you're drunk on Tuesday, you're super fun and carefree. In the Real World -- You're an alcoholic. In College -- You're covered under your parents' insurance. In the Real World -- You have to find a job with benefits so lay off the chocolate and soda, genius. In College -- LoPo slaps you on the wrist if you do something extra stupid. In the Real World -- You get arrested and have to call your mom to pick you up from jail. In College -- If you slack on your work you get to celebrate the "C." In the Real World -- You get fired and have to find a new job in the afore-Thumbed crappy economy (a.k.a. Bush's Backwash). In College -- You get to live in 'dorms like palaces.' In the Real World -- You get to spend a lot of time in a cheery cubicle courtesy of your two-hundred grand education. In College -- You're the Big Man On Campus. In the Real World -- You're a freshman all over again.
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