2008 Woodie Awards
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Professor Plum and Miss Scarlet
Issue date: 10/14/08 Section: Opinion
Thumbs Up
Knocked Up
If all the heavy speculation is true, then we want to toast the absolutely unparalleled fertility of the Spears women. At age sixteen, Jamie Lynn is supposedly pregnant for the second time (her baby Maddie is only four months old). Allegedly, she didn't think she could get knocked up while breast-feeding. Not only are they really fertile, but those Spears girls obviously are getting their sex ed from the right place. And by the right place, we mean from a third-grader on the playground.
Mom's Graying, Dad's Balding
Since around junior year in high school, I've been putting my parents through the wringer. Some people like to do arts and crafts, play sports - I enjoy finding new ways to make mom go gray and dad, bald. (It's so sick, I know.) My latest tactic, and God is it beautiful, is playing the "I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life" card on them. It's like INSTANT gray hair and baldness for them. Next semester, I'm considering unleashing the "I'm going to move home and live with you guys...forever." So beautiful.
Costumes
Halloween's only two weeks away, and it is time to get creative with the costumes. From the sexy witches to sexy nurses to just sexy...although every year sexy seems to be the fallback. Let's get creative and really commit to the costume, people. Last year in Fells, a group of people dressed up as MarioKart characters and rode go-karts through the street. Let's top that, ok?
Thumbs Down
(Stupid) Baseball Playoffs
Ok, I admit, I'm not a sports' fan, but I'm generally not a hater. I only am about this because I resent when everyone is glued to the TV watching these God-forsaken playoffs instead of paying attention to me. Hello, I'm here. Hellooo. Pay attention to meeee.
Mid-terms Week
Every semester, we all feel the same sheer panic of midterms. There is no time to eat, sleep, go out or breathe as 15-45 percent of our final grades relies upon this one damn test on the classes we skipped in the thrill of being back at school. We'll be okay by the end of the semester, but right now we don't know which way is up. Let's hope for a 25-point curve to raise that 45 to a 70.
Loyola Plague
As it has hit most people, we all continue to fight of the Loyola Plague as the month and a half of malnutrition from campus food, Stoko's, Pei-Wei and Chipotle. Classes are interrupted by chains of coughing and sneezing as we all try to keep functioning long enough to party later. And we all raise a suspicious brow to why the plague spreads so quickly (you know what we're saying). Stock up on Vitamin C kids and eat a salad, time to get healthy to fight this plague off.
Knocked Up
If all the heavy speculation is true, then we want to toast the absolutely unparalleled fertility of the Spears women. At age sixteen, Jamie Lynn is supposedly pregnant for the second time (her baby Maddie is only four months old). Allegedly, she didn't think she could get knocked up while breast-feeding. Not only are they really fertile, but those Spears girls obviously are getting their sex ed from the right place. And by the right place, we mean from a third-grader on the playground.
Mom's Graying, Dad's Balding
Since around junior year in high school, I've been putting my parents through the wringer. Some people like to do arts and crafts, play sports - I enjoy finding new ways to make mom go gray and dad, bald. (It's so sick, I know.) My latest tactic, and God is it beautiful, is playing the "I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life" card on them. It's like INSTANT gray hair and baldness for them. Next semester, I'm considering unleashing the "I'm going to move home and live with you guys...forever." So beautiful.
Costumes
Halloween's only two weeks away, and it is time to get creative with the costumes. From the sexy witches to sexy nurses to just sexy...although every year sexy seems to be the fallback. Let's get creative and really commit to the costume, people. Last year in Fells, a group of people dressed up as MarioKart characters and rode go-karts through the street. Let's top that, ok?
Thumbs Down
(Stupid) Baseball Playoffs
Ok, I admit, I'm not a sports' fan, but I'm generally not a hater. I only am about this because I resent when everyone is glued to the TV watching these God-forsaken playoffs instead of paying attention to me. Hello, I'm here. Hellooo. Pay attention to meeee.
Mid-terms Week
Every semester, we all feel the same sheer panic of midterms. There is no time to eat, sleep, go out or breathe as 15-45 percent of our final grades relies upon this one damn test on the classes we skipped in the thrill of being back at school. We'll be okay by the end of the semester, but right now we don't know which way is up. Let's hope for a 25-point curve to raise that 45 to a 70.
Loyola Plague
As it has hit most people, we all continue to fight of the Loyola Plague as the month and a half of malnutrition from campus food, Stoko's, Pei-Wei and Chipotle. Classes are interrupted by chains of coughing and sneezing as we all try to keep functioning long enough to party later. And we all raise a suspicious brow to why the plague spreads so quickly (you know what we're saying). Stock up on Vitamin C kids and eat a salad, time to get healthy to fight this plague off.
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